My Storm

I walk out my front door into the cold, gray morning.  Your scent still fills the air.  I must get away from it.  I must escape. I walk to nowhere. Just walk. 

The first drop hits, then the second.  I won't turn back. I can't. Move forward.  The mist is glancing my cheeks like the small kisses you used to give me.  I loved you lips.

I watch the drops hit.  I lift up my hand and let them roll down my arm, like your gentle touch.  They slide down my body like your fingers tracing my side.  It tickles, I tremble.  The drops roll down like beads of sweat.  The sweat you used to kiss off my lips, my hands, my chest. Why did you stop?

I stop walking.  It's too much.  I can't do it. I can't let you go. I won't believe you're gone. 

I look up to the sky with my eyes closed.  I envision you coming down to me.  I can see your face. I am here.  I am waiting.

I open my eyes.  I want to see you. The rain is too strong.  I can't keep my eyes open.  It hurts too much, but I want to see, I need to see.  I want to breathe again.

I can't do this anymore. I have to let you go. I must.

The wind gusts pushing me back.  I will endure.

The water runs down my face.  Is it my tears. No it can't be. It must be the rain.  I can not shed any more tears.  I am done crying.

The rain is heavy, my heart even more so.  I raise my arms to the sky inviting the storm in.  Take me.  Cleanse me.  Do your worst.  You will not break me. 

The water pounds my chest.  The thunder rolls ringing heavily in my ears.  I will stand my ground.  Give me your worst, this pain is nothing.

I scream, I yell, I cry.  I can't see.  The storm does not care. It pushes me down, beats me.  I can't let you win.  I am stronger than this.  It is time to let you go. Don't go. Just go!

The rain begins to let up.  Slowly, Slowly rolling to a stop. I slowly open my eyes.  I am drenched but not beaten.  I am cold but not defeated.  I am.

I lift my arm in the air.  The water slides off slowly.  The pain is falling away one drop at a time. One last drop hangs on my fingertip.  It is clean.  It is pure. It doesn't matter. Let it go.

This is it.  The last drop. The last tear. The end. 

I need it to fall.

I must let it fall.

Please fall.

Fall!


Drip.

Sing

I was on my way to work today and singing the 70's song "Making It".  OK, singing is putting it mildly; I was belting out the song as loud as I could.  I know a lot of people will not remember that song but I do.  It was not one of my all time favorites either but today it was the best song in the world.  I played the song over and over again (I have a 45 minute drive after all). 

I do this every so often; I find a song that I like and then I proceed to wear it out singing along the way.  I sing all the time.  My wife knows it; it drives my kids crazy.  My partner at work commented the other day that I am always singing.  I can't help it.  I have been stared at by many a driver at a stop light because of my singing.  Maybe they thought I was having a seizure.   

Now I don't have a great voice. In fact I have a less then average voice but that does not matter to me.  I believe in the old adage" You are what you sing"  (OK, I made that up of course). 

I usually don't sing in front of new people I meet until I get to know them better.  It is not that I am afraid of looking like an idiot (OK maybe it is a little) but I reserve my lovely voice ;) for the people I care about.  If we are friends and I start singing in front of you then take it as a compliment.  You may cringe at my voice and maybe even want to reach over and hit me with your shoe.  I am just showering you with my love and possibly my saliva.  You get the idea.

You may be thinking to yourself " I want to start singing more" (Yeah, I am so sure that is what you are thinking).  Then the question becomes what to sing; oldies, 80's(YES!), show tunes.  My suggestion is to start out simple and work your way up.  I posted a song with this blog entry.  It even has the words with it.  I suggest you start with that.  It is a song that everyone knows.  Try singing it out loud and I am sure you will go into the dark world a happier and a better person for it; or you will feel like an imbecile.  Happy singing.

Sing Lyrics

The House Fly- menace or spawn of the Devil

The house fly also known as Musca domestica.  I just call it my nemesis.  I have had an eternal struggle with this nemesis for years.  For some reason the flies love our house.  They congregate outside the front door waiting for the chance to torment me, to barge in to my life. The other day I got up from dinner to get a fork and when I came back there were three flies on my plate.  My wife said they were taking revenge on me for my genocide of their species over the years.

I usually keep an assortment of fly swatters in the house.  I sometimes leave them in different rooms so I can be ready if the need arises.  I have had a few specialty swatters over the years but none work as well as the .99 cent variety.  I have become an expert at swinging the swatter.   I can even swat them while they are still in the air.  For a few years I did not even need a swatter.  I could catch them with my bare hands.  This year my skills eroded and I was forced to go back to the swatter.  I blame old age.

For some reason the flies like my wife's flowers.  They land on the petals and sit there tempting me to swat them.  Then I have to decide if I am going to swat the fly and hit the flowers or just scare the fly away and protect the flowers. These flowers are beautiful and full of life.  I also can see my wife's expression in my mind if I were to hit the flowers.  She is beautiful but that look is not pretty.  This leaves me with an easy decision and I know what I must do.  Needless to say, my wife was scolding me the next morning for the multitude of petals all over the kitchen table.  Man, I hate flies! 

OMGosh! What is that smell?

So once in a while I cook in the kitchen.  I am not the greatest cook but I can hold my own I guess.  I can't cook halfway either.  I seldom cook a dish where I have not made a humongous mess and have spent hours preparing and cooking the food.  Hey, if you going to do something you might as well do it big. Right?  I started cooking a few years back to serve as a creative outlet.  I love looking for a recipe and trying it for the first time. Here are the steps I take when preparing a meal. 

1) Decide what kind of meal I am in the mood to eat.  This takes awhile sometimes because I have to "air taste" my food.  What is air tasting you ask.  It is a method of visualizing my food, grabbing it from the air and putting it in my mouth.  What does it taste like.  Well, try it for yourself and find out.

2) Pick out a recipe.  I like Food Network TV.  I like the diversity and ease of the site.  Plus, it is something that I can trust.  I have watched a lot of these shows in the past so I trust the hosts.  I have no real reason to trust them other than I have seen them on TV.  So they must be trustworthy right. 

3) Go to the store.  I love shopping for ingredients.  My wife hates it when I go because I usually spend a lot of money.  I can't help it though.  Warning: Make sure to start this step early in the day or your could be there a few hours and then be late starting dinner.  This could throw your whole schedule out of wack.  Your family does not want to eat dinner at 9:30.

4)  Get to cooking!  This is the fun part.  Be as messy as you can.  If you are not making a mess then I say you are not cooking right.  In my house we have a deal.  If you cook then you don't have to clean.  So, I can make all the mess I want.(I still help clean anyway but it feels good to not be obligated to.)  Make sure to taste your food a lot.  I am usually half full before I even eat.  Also fill the kitchen with your favorite tunes.  This will make the process a memorable experience.  Promise.

So here is a picture of what I cooked tonight.  Chicken Mole.  It one of my favorite meals to cook and it pretty simple to fix.  My wife loves it and so do most of the kids.  I feel like making food for my family is one of the best ways to show them the love I have for them.  At least when I cook like this.  When I cook hamburger helper it just means I am in a hurry :)

New Adventure Awaits

Well this is my first entry in my first ever blog. I hope it will not take me another month to make an entry. My wife thinks that I will not keep up with it and it will fall by the wayside. What does she know? Just because I have about five incomplete journals laying around. Hmmmm... This is different though. I wanted another outlet to express who I am. Even if no one reads or see it. I have many thoughts that I never get to express because of either laziness or inopportune timing. I hope this blog will help me with my commitment to journaling my life. Well, here is to hoping.